Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks Clinton,
“Are you ready to order?” Clinton replies, “Yes, I’d like a
quickie!”

“A quickie?!?” the waitress replies. “Sir, given the past
situation of your personal life I don’t think that is a good idea.
I’ll come back when you are ready to order from the menu!” She walks
away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, “It’s pronounced Quiche.”

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
“Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
“Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

Written by a Viet Nam Vet
GOD BLESS AMERICA!

“In Memory of The Twin Towers”

Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)

The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.

He bloodied up our nation
didn’t give a reason why.

Now he’s placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name

So God’s coming lookin for him
And he’s got himself to blame.

No more runnin, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t movin slow.

You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Just go hidin in your hills
You’ll be buried in your caves.

You’ll get what you’ve got comin now
For being Satans slaves.

You’ve woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep

Now with open roar like lions
There’s one promise he will keep

No more runnin, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t movin slow.

You’ve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

So don’t close your eyes a moment
Cause you surely see death there.

Don’t waste your time in moanin
You just haven’t got a prayer.

You chose to terrify the world
with your sensely killing spree

Brought violence into our lives
Placed hate inside of me.

No more runnin, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t movin slow.

You’ve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

In this peaceful loving Nation
Home of brave and of the free

All are calling up your number
over land and over sea

We have seen the vileness in your soul
the horrors you create

Now this angry nations coming
look around we’re at your gate

No more runnin, no more hiding, there’s no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn’t movin slow.

You’ve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no response except from Suzuki. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.” he heard a loud whisper: “Fuck the Japs.”

“Who said that?” she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.” At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re fucked.”

Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001″

George Carlin Speaks Out…

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.
I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!