Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines — one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

On News Years Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, “Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”

“Oh no, I won’t,” he says. “I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”

“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.

3. Why don’t we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no… a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won’t take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the ‘early bird.

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.”

“Okay.” the man replies “I’ll go get ready.”

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

“Who the fuck are you?” the man asks

“I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”

The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!”

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

“Those little bastards!”

Questions women ask

Am I fat?

Do you think shes pretty?

Will you call me?

Do you love me?

This dress or this one?

I have nothing to wear! How?

Should I sign up for this aerobics class?

Will you love me forever?

You will never leave me right?

Do you mind if I become very fat?

Whose hair is this on your bed?