(Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading

2. Crying and law enforcement

3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR

4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours

5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.

6. PMS: It’s your problem, not mine (“It’s happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.”)

7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions

8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights

9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed

10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it’s as simple as oil and water

11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament

12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, “Me too” equals “I love you”)

13. How to earn your own money

14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, “Fabric bad, electronics good”)

15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side

16. Beyond “Clean and Dirty” – The nuances of wearable laundry

17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station

18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels

19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy

20. His best friend can be yours too

21. His poker games: Deal yourself out

22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, “Wedlock Schmedlock”)

23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above “I do”

24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house

25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?

“Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test — and best of all — you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible — and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared. Final thoughts for women readers:

MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause

Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day – and when we have real trouble – it’s HISterectomy.

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

“Adam, you can start by kissing Eve.”

“Lord, what is a kiss?” asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, “Lord! That was great! What’s next?”

“Adam, I now want you to caress Eve.”

“Lord, what is caress?” asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, “Lord that was even better than a kiss! What’s next?”

“Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve.”

“Lord, what is make love?” asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, “Lord, what is a headache?”

Valuable scientific data.

The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements (from chemistry class):

Element name: woman

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element name: man

Symbol: XY

Atomic weight: (180 +/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.