< size="2">40-ish…………………………..56+ (it’s the red convertible that makes him feel so young)
Active…………………………..Gets up to get his own damn beer
Adventurous…………………..Asks for extra spicy on his burrito supreme
Enjoys cooking………………Can operate microwave
Enjoys travel………………….Never asks for directions
Athletic………………………..Loves playing Madden 08 on XBox 360
Generous……………………..Incapable of thinking of anyone other than himself
Romantic……………………..Has Viagra prescription
Considerate…………………..Leaves seat up and is a bad aim.
Emotional…………………….Gets pissed when out of beer
Loves pets……………………Does not pick up poop especially from some dumbass little dog
Loves children……………….Really doesn’t like poop so get used to it
Loves family………………….Will probably hit on your sister.
Loves strong coffee………….Usually hung over
Looking for soul mate………Search likely to go on for a long, long time
Slim…………………………….Sickly.
Boyish-charm………………..Momma’s boy
Youthful……………………….Bald as a baby
Man’s man……………………Hair growing everywhere even where seemingly impossible
Loves to laugh……………….Smokes too much pot

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish…………………………….49.
Adventurous………………….Slept with everyone.
Athletic…………………………..No breasts.
Average looking……………..Moooo.
Beautiful………………………..Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure……….On medication.
Feminist…………………………Fat.
Free Spirit……………………..Junkie.
Friendship first………………Former Slut.
New-Age………………………..Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned…………………No B.J.’s
Open-minded………………….Desperate.
Outgoing…………………………Loud and embarrassing.
Professional……………………Bitch.
Voluptuous……………………..Very fat.
Large frame……………………Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate……………..Stalker.

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

“Oh, no,” said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. “Was it with Marie Brown?”

“I’d rather not say who it was.”

“Was it with Betty Smith?” Read More…

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

“Oh, that,” Frank said. “Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box.” Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn’t so bad.

“But what about the 10,000 dollars?”

“Every time I got a dozen, I sold them.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, Read More…