Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who
think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged
daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions
about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the
product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl,
please examine your new daughter carefully.

Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more
makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except
when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD

When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the
“Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to
certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start
acting even worse.

ACTIVATION

To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity
of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your
teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the
words “clean” and “neat.” Teenaged daughters are very clean, because
they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must
purchase for them because like I’m sure I’m going to use like the
same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely
drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in
every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew
throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are
confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and do not
have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These
others are called “parents.”

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be
purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you
eat because it is like so disgusting.

She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because
some people might see you and, “like I’m sure I want my friends to
see me eating dinner with my parents”. Either order take-out food or
just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never
answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and,
“ohmigod he is so hot!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive
man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you
enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available
to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a
lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute
outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the
schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE

Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:

“High,” and “Ultra High”.

Your daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t
be enough and whatever you try won’t work.

WARRANTY

This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for
heaven’s sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents,
who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a
teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in
her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned
never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does
not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except
that deep down she’s actually still there–you just have to look for her.

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a “Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop” noise. “Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”

“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”

“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”

“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”. She turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What, exactly, is your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer”, she says ,” I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really,” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?” “Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent.”

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”.

“Tonto,” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

As she lay back her muscles tightened. She put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refused to be swayed as he approached her. He asked if she was afraid and she shook her head bravely. He has had more experience,
but it’s the first time his fingers have found the right place.

He probed deeply and she shivered; her body tensed; but he was gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looked deeply within her eyes and told her to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxed her and she opened wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. She began to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly took his time, wanting to cause her as little pain as possible. As he pressed
closer, going deeper, she felt the tissue give way; pain surging throughout her body and she felt the slight trickle of blood as he continued. He looked at her concerned and asked if it’s too painful. Her eyes were filled with tears but she shook her head and nodded for him to go on. He began going in and out with skill but she was too numb to feel him within her.

After a few moments, she felt something bursting within her and he pulled it out of her, she lay panting, glad to have it over. He looked at her and smiling warmly, told her, with a chuckle; that she had been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.

She smiled and thanked the dentist. After all, it was Jessica Alba’s first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin’?