One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

All radiant and smiling; the angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1)No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2)There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3)Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4)The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.

Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5)353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft’s re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.

Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be valorised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.

A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

Mmmm… but remember kids, when you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas…

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :”Decorator Ken”, “Beauty Salon Ken”, or “Out of Work Actor Ken”? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:”S&M Ken”, “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken”, “Bear Ken”, “Master Ken”.

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can”push me away”, I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we’ve talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he’s mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don’t want to be around to smell it!) So, here’s my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man….maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what’s with the earring
anyway? If I’m going to have to suffer with him, for christ’s sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90′s persona. Maybe a “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or “Stop
Smoking Barbie”, sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that’s it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

And as the reindeer say before they tell you jokes ….
These jokes will sleigh you!

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was “elf”-taught!

‘Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell me why he does that!’
‘Oh, yes I can.’ the elf said.
‘Because tow ‘Eds are better than one, of course!’

How can Santa’s sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don’t feed it !

How do you get into Donner’s house?
You ring the “deer”-bell!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-”deer”!

How long should a reindeer’s legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !

How would you get four reindeer in a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!

And how do you get four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first

I’m so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand.
Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?

Keep that reindeer out of the house! It’s full of fleas!
You’d better stay out of the house, Rudolph – it’s full of fleas.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer’s gone missing again, put a ‘Missing’ advert in the local paper!
Don’t be daft. Reindeer can’t read!

What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
“Horn”-aments!

What do you call the reindeer with cotton wool in his ears?
Call him anything you like – he won’t hear you!

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
“Elk”-a-seltzer!

What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!

What does Father Christmas call that three-legged reindeer?
Eileen.

What does Father Christmas the reindeer with only one eye that’s got no legs?
Still no-eye-deer.

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!

What game do reindeer play in their stalls?
Stable-tennis!

What has antlers and loves cheese?
Mickey Moose!

What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas’ sleigh and is made of cement?
I don’t know.
A reindeer!

Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !

Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
“Rude”-olph!

Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !

Why are Father Christmas’ reindeer like a cricket match?
Because they’re both stopped by the rein.

Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn’t want to be recognised !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

What reindeer can jump higher than a house?
They all can! Houses can’t jump!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail” shop for a new one!

What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

What’s the difference between a reindeer and a snowball?
They’re both brown, except the snowball.

What’s the name of the reindeer with three humps on its back?
Humphrey

And that black and blue reindeer?
Bruce.

Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
“Deery” Queen!