Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

Girls, don’t be upset! You know, deep inside your souls, that I’m right.

When a man wants to make a woman happy, he only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

And as a comparison:

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed Him.
2. F*ck Him.
3. Be quiet.

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he has not bought her a gift.

So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.

Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbie’s are.

The girl responds:

“Which one? We have:”

Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95

Volleyball Barbie: $19.95

Shopping Barbie: $19.95

Surfer Barbie: $19.95

Disco Barbie: $19.95

and Divorced Barbie: $299.99

Shocked, the man asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbie’s are $19.95?”

Exasperated, the girl responds:

“Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken’s Car
Ken’s House
Ken’s Boat
Ken’s Furniture
Ken’s Jewellery
Ken’s Money
Ken’s Computer, and
Ken’s Best Friend…

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.”

“That’s still too expensive,” the man says.

“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.”

“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”

“Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”

“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. Read More…