Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

She says again, “Well put them here between my legs and warm them up.”

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON’T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?”

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table!”

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.

“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”

“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.”

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.”

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”

The wife smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time”.

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast-bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken’s buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says. “It has really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something-a bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says. “It has really taken the edge off my appetite.”

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She offers to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he’d like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well,” she says, “would you mind getting off me? I’m starving!”