My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”

“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor” she insisted.

“OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”

“In the lake!”

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but… How’s your health?”

“It’s OK”, he answers. “I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life”.

“Well, then”, she replies “I don’t want to be a snoop, but I’ve got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?”

“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable. You don’t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself”.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain – “And how’s your sex life….”

“Infrequently”, he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking… “And is that one word or two?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,”What are you doing?”She answers, “I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!”

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies…
“I’m going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!”

He Said…She Said:

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?

He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said… “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
She said…”No problem, I’ll get you some that is.”

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.

Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’
She said…’Who’s gonna look?’

He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?

He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.