What is the difference between ‘like’ and ‘love’?
Answer: spit and swallow!

You know you’ve been married too long when a “Quickie” before dinner now means a drink.

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he’ll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here!?!”

The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself “Wouldn’t it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me.” He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no – My wife’s dinner party!!!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -
“Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.” “ONE CENT – that’s awesome!” exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?”

“Certainly, sir, “replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.” “How much money?” inquires the guy. “4 cents,” replies the bartender.

“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy… “Where’s the Guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replies, “Upstairs with my wife.” The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies… “Same as I’m doing to his business!”