“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Groucho Marx

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.

Winston Churchill ‘s response to George Bernard Shaw

I feel so miserable without you; it ‘s almost like having you here.

Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

John Bright

I ‘ve just learned about his illness. Let ‘s hope it ‘s nothing trivial.

Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.

Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

Paul Keating

He had delusions of adequacy.

Walter Kerr

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

Mae West

Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!

Winston Churchill ‘s response to Lady Astor

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

Moses Hadas

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”

Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”

Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”

Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

Forrest Tucker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.”

Abraham Lincoln

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts   for support rather than illumination.” Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

Billy Wilder

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

“You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”

The Earl of Sandwich

“That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”

John Wilkes’s response to The Earl of Sandwich

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

Winston Churchill

Lindsay Lohan is travelling from Kansas City to Toronto for the shooting of her new Movie A Woman of No Importance.

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry . . . we can fly
just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry… we still have
one engine left.”

Lindsay Lohan turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

Just your average hunter.

Actual UNIX commands and responses…

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% got a light?
No match.

% sleep with me
bad character

% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% make ‘heads or tails of all this’
Make: Don’t know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

% make sense
Make: Don’t know how to make sense. Stop.

% make mistake
Make: Don’t know how to make mistake. Stop.

% make bottle.open
Make: Don’t know how to make bottle.open. Stop.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% make light
Make: Don’t know how to make light. Stop.

% date me
You are not superuser: date not set

% man rear
No manual entry for rear.

% [Where is Chandra Levy?
Missing ]

% “How does Gary Condit rate as a liar?
Unmatched ”

% If I had a ) for every dollar Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many )’s.

% * How would you describe Bill Clinton
*: Ambiguous.

% %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.

% “How would you rate Reagan’s senility?
Unmatched “.