Here’s some stuff found on your T-shirts or bumper stickers .. you weirdos … CAUTION: THESE THINGS ARE VERY FUNNY AND VERY VERY EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN WEAR THESE T-SHIRTS.

I fish therefore I lie
I Have The Body Of A God … Buddha
Chess players “mate” better
Constipated People Don’t Give A shit.
That is so five minutes ago!!
If you can read this, thank a teacher
Don’t mess with Texas
I will mess with Texas
Don’t pray in my school and I won’t think in your church
If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don’t Succeed… Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken … Watch For Finger
It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full – Go Home
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over… [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde
Don’t Be Sexist – Bitches Hate That
Heart Attacks … God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
It’ll be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber
Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost
If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It … Wanted It … Had A Fit … Got It!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
O you’re a feminist… Isn’t that precious.
I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do.

When a man volunteers to do the cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store and buys the food.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is done.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and puts it on a plate for the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off from cooking?” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Isn’t it funny how most w4m ads are like checklists of requirements. These women think finding a guy is like ordering a sandwich – a little more height please, easy on the love of sports, and can you throw in a weekend house in the mountains and a willingness to support some other guy’s children?

If men wrote their m4w ads the same way, we would expect to see something like this:

Looking to meet the woman of my dreams. Someone who appreciates me for who I am. I love big TV’s, big trucks, baseball caps, and wife-beater tanks. I love going out with my friends to get drunk at strip clubs too. I’m looking for a nice woman who is not looking to jump into a relationship too soon but who knows what it means to be sexy and take care of her partner. Please no BBW’s (sorry) but you won’t look good on my arm when I wear a white t-shirt.

You must love dogs and my beer can collection, my dogs, my cans, and I are a package, so if you’re not into them then please move on. I like to let all 6 of my dogs sleep in my bed with me, so hopefully you don’t have a problem with that.

Deal breakers:
likes to shop too much
obsessed with height (i am short)
fat
talks about yourself too much
neediness
always wanting to talk about the relationship
small breasts (sorry, there is nothing sexier than grabbing onto a nice pair)
doesnt like to cook for her man
bossiness
nagging
always wanting to get up early in the morning
fat
intolerance of me and my habits
pressure to have kids

Turn ons:
thin
large breasts (very sexy)
quiet
beer drinker
has her own friends and won’t try to make me watch chick flicks
smells good
likes football
doesn’t expect me to pay all the time
intelligent but not too intelligent (i dont like nerdy girls)
rich father
thin
doesn’t have a relationship calendar, i.e. doesnt wonder after 3 months if we are going in the right direction.

Can you find me a woman like that??? LOL

Flickr photo, 1 year ago