A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman… almost.”

The priest says, “What do you mean almost?”

The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.”

The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that, you didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The man replied, “Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a “Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop” noise. “Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”

“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”

“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”

“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No” so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No” so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says “Got any grapes?”
The bartender says “Look duck. We don’t have any grapes today, we didn’t have any yesterday, and we definitely won’t have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I’m going to nail your webbed feet to the floor.”
So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks “Got any nails?” The bartender says “No.” Then the duck says “Oh good. Got any grapes?”

Flickr photo, 1 year ago