Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A. They both live off dead Beatles.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. What does McDonald’s and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A. The Spice Girls!

Q. Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A. Because it hurts.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s latest record?
A: “Feel the World.”

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s latest song?
A: “Don’t let your son go down on me.”

Q: What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.

Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: “The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!”

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: “I’ll be there!”

Q: What is Michael Jackson’s favorite gospel song?
A: “And then he touched me”

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: “SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!”

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common?
A: They both played with little wieners.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old wiener!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria?
A: Because he ate all the kids’ wieners.

Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!!!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys’ rooms with empty sacks.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

Q: Why’s Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He’s a crack shooter.

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A: One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other f***s little boys.

Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It’s been 25 years since his first moon landing.

Q: What is Michael Jackson’s favorite holiday?
A: Christmas because he gives the well behaved kids a special gift…

Q: Where’s Michael going on holiday?
A: He’s off to Tampa with the kids.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-mart have in common?
A: They both have small boys pants at half off!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-mart have in common?
A: They both wait 3 months after the child is born to give piercings.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K Mart?
A: He heard they had small boys pants half off.

Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald’s suit?
A: A happy meal.

McDonald’s is bringing out a new “Michael Jackson Burger”…
It has 35 year old meat inside 5 year old buns.

The new burger at McDonald’s is called the McJackson.
It consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns.

Q: What do Michael’s rear and an LA jail have in common?
A: Both hold the juice.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson’s pants so small?
A: Because they aren’t his!

Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there’s a Youngstown there.

Q: What’s Micheal Jackson’s Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!

Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich?
A: It’s a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They’re both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q: How many times does 12 go into 35?
A: Ask Michael Jackson.

Q: What’s 6 + 46 + 5?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends?
A: Because there are twenty of them!

Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!

Q: Why isn’t all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn’t mind reaching bottom.

Q: What’s soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy’s diapers?
A: Michael Jackson’s hand!

Q: What’s the worst stain to try and remove from little boy’s underpants?
A: Michael Jackson’s makeup.

Q: What’s white and in Michael Jackson’s pocket?
A: His other hand.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

Q: Who’s Michael Jackson’s favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.

Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to the house?
A: He’s like the little boy he never had.

Q: How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
A: It was just a slip of the tongue.

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!

Q: What did Michael Jackson yell when he fell off the boat?
A: Throw me the bouy!!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There’s a Big Wheel parked outside his house!

Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.

Q: How does Michael like to party?
A: He sips a couple of Tall Boys.

Q: What’s Michael’s favorite snack?
A: Slim Jims.

Q: What’s Michael’s favorite fast food?
A: Big Boys.

Q: What’s Michael’s favorite dish?
A: Creamed shrimp.

Q. Did you hear Michael Jackson is moving to PA… Guess which town? A. Dubois.

Q: Why is Michael so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect “10″?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?
A: He was up to two packs a day.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Rum have in common?
A: They both come in small tots.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?
A: They both come in tots.

Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A: The under Eights.

Q: What does Michael Jackson give his guests after dinner?
A: Instead of after eight mints, he gives them under eight children.

Q: What’s black and white and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
A: It comes in a little can.

Q: Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
A: It’s white chocolate with no nuts…. (but kids like it)

Q: What’s sex like for Michael?
A: Like taking candy from a baby.

Q: What is the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson?
A: When the crib breaks.

Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson’s sperm count?
A: Look it up in Webster’s.

Q: Why is Michael Jackson opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.

Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn’t really a virgin?
A: He’s got children out the ass.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
A: “Shit happens!”

Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A: Because it hurts.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream when he touches his nuts?
A: He’s sore from the kids last night,

Q: What were Michael Jackson’s baby’s first words?
A: Which one’s mommy?

Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’

–Larry Miller

“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.”

–Christopher Case

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”

–Bob Ettinger

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”

–Ellen DeGeneres

“A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.’”

–Jake Johansen

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

–Dick Cavett

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.”

–A. Whitney Brown

“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?”

–Jon Stewart

“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”

–Paula Poundstone

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?”

–Warren Hutcherson

“I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.”

–Jack Mayberry

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”

–Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.”

–Bruce Baum

“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.”

–Jeff Stilson

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”

–Sue Murphy

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.”

–Rita Mae Brown

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?”

–Rita Rudner

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

–Jerry Seinfeld

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

–David Letterman

“If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”

–Jay Leno

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”

–Lily Tomlin

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’”

–Jerry Seinfeld

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my….I could be eating a slow learner.”

–????

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “oh shoot!! My glass eye!!”

6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”

11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”

13. Say. “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”

14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”

15. Say, “Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”

20. When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say “You got any more toilet paper over there, This side’s completely out.”

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”

15. Stutter on the letter “p.”

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked “Would you like drinks with that?”, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”

26. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.

32. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”

33. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker’s voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”

71. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”

84. When you’ge given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OWWW!” when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”