An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only
the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a
pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water
to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his
friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by
nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and
a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,
however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve
the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the
water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a
single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice
anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”

Date: Tue, 1 May 2008 22:46:56 EST
From: Frank M. Lanzafame
To: Multiple recipients of list CHEMED-L
Subject: Internet Downtime

*** Attention ***

It’s that time again!

As many of you know, each leap year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on May 2 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on May 3. During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet-crawling robots situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well. Thank you.

Original message here.

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100,
the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted,
“Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer
Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?” The
cabby said, “I’d cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches
a cold.”

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who
think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged
daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the
maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions
about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the
product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl,
please examine your new daughter carefully.

Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more
makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except
when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD

When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort
will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the
“Break-In Period,” during which you are becoming accustomed to
certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start
acting even worse.

ACTIVATION

To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity
of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN

Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your
teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the
words “clean” and “neat.” Teenaged daughters are very clean, because
they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must
purchase for them because like I’m sure I’m going to use like the
same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely
drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in
every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew
throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are
confusing “clean” with “neat.” Teenagers are very busy and do not
have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These
others are called “parents.”

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be
purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you
eat because it is like so disgusting.

She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because
some people might see you and, “like I’m sure I want my friends to
see me eating dinner with my parents”. Either order take-out food or
just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never
answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and,
“ohmigod he is so hot!” Yes, your daughter’s idea of an attractive
man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER

Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you
enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available
to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a
lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute
outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the
schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE

Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:

“High,” and “Ultra High”.

Your daughter is “Ultra High.” This means that whatever you do won’t
be enough and whatever you try won’t work.

WARRANTY

This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for
heaven’s sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents,
who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a
teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in
her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned
never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does
not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except
that deep down she’s actually still there–you just have to look for her.

Parental advisory.
Please do not save this URL unless you are over 18 years of age.