Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. What\’s that brass gong for? asked the friend. It\’s not a gong. It\’s a talking clock, the drunk replied. A talking clock? How\’s it work? Watch this, said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: Hey, you jerk. It\’s 3:00 in the morning!

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors the boat and settles in to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking it rather obvious.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day, ma’am,” says the warden as he motors away.

I have a problem. I have two brothers. One brother is a boatswain in the Navy, the other was put to death in the electric chair for a gruesome multiple murder. My mother died from insanity caused by syphilis when I was three years old. My sisters are prostitutes, and my father sells narcotics to high school students. Recently I met a girl who was just released from prison. She was sentenced for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I want to marry her.
My problem is – if I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who is a Boatswain Mate.?

Sign Dilemma

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What’s 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm… 4!

Officer: What’s the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm… 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”