Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison?
A: A small Medium at large.

What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name.

What do you call a rock group with Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Handel, and Chopin?
The Decomposers.

What do you call a teletubby who’s been robbed?
A tubby

What do you get when a dinosaur has a car accident?
Tyrannosarus wrecks.

What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow?
An animal that can milk itself.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do you call a lifeguard with no legs?
Bob.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with only three legs?
Lean beef.

What do you get if you cross an artist with a policeman?
A brush with the law.

What do you call a man with sports equipment on his head?
Jim

What do you call a woman with a cat on her head?
Kitty

What do you call a woman with a nut tree on her head?
Hazel

What do you get if you cross a baby with a ufo?
An unidentified crying object.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish?
A pair of swimming trunks.

What do you call a man who walks through the autumn leaves?
Russell.

What do you get if you cross a flea with a rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.

What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I’m not going to smell it.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?
A rash of good luck!

What do you get when a dinosaur has a car accident?
Tyrannosarus wrecks

What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian!!

What do you call a rock group with Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Handel, and Chopin?
The Decomposers.

Q: What do you call a cow that’s just had a baby?
A: Decalfinated

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you call a farmer who used to like farm machinery?
An ex-tractor fan.

What do you call who ate a duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-puss.

What do you call a hippy’s wife?
Mississippi.

What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humphrey.

What do you call a snake who is employed by the government?
A civil serpent.

What do you get if you cross a snake with a set of building blocks?
A boa constructor.

What do you get if you cross a worm with an elephant?
Great big holes in your garden.

What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?
A bite in shining armour.

What do you get if you cross a thief with an orchestra?
Robbery with violins.

What do you get if you cross a labrador dog with a tortoise?
You get an animal that goes to the newsagent’s and come back with last weeks newspaper.

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ’4X’ on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”

“Yes,” the wife said, “I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

~

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

~

Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

~

Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

~

Dispatcher: 911 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!