Written by a woman(of course)…

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
- Men can’t pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don’t answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa”

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa”

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

1st: He believes in Santa Claus.
2nd: He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
3rd: He is Santa Claus.

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
(that’s one of Santa’s favourite jokes! *HO! Ho! ho!*)

Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
“Freeze a jolly good fellow!”

What does Santa put on his toast?
“Jingle Jam”

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill.  Which one picked it up??
Santa!  The other two don’t exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Santa claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!

Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint “Nickel”-less!

What smells most in a chimney?
Santa’s nose!

What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!

What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-”toast”!

Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won’t take themselves!

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he’s always in the pole position!

What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!

What’s red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like “rain”, “Dear”!

What’s red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!

How does Santa take pictures?
With his North “Pole”-aroid!

Why does Santa’s sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!

What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?
A “Holly” Davidson!

Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!

What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!

What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
Cinder Claus!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!

Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!

What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!

How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!

What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!

What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!

Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the
usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why does Santa have a garden?
So he can HO!HO!HO!

What does Santa Claus do in his garden?
Hoe, hoe, hoe!

My stockings were hanging by the chimney with care,
I’d been wearing them for months and they needed the air.

Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer
and an Irish setter?
The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters.

If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get??
Missile toe!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What did Santa Claus to all the toys on Christmas Eve?
“Okay everybody! Time to hit the sack!”

Why does Scrooge love all of Santa’s reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

Did Adam celebrate Christmas in the garden of Eden?
Sure, haven’t you ever heard of Christmas Eve?

Where do elves go to vote?
The North Poll.

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Who likes to drink reindeer milk every morning for breakfast?
A baby reindeer.

If the day before Christmas is called Christmas Eve, what is
the day after Christmas called?
December 26th.

What do they call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

Why does Santa Claus put coal in the stockings of bad little
boys and girls?
Because heating oil would leak out the bottom.

What is a big as Santa but weighs less than a feather?
Santa’s shadow.

Why won’t Santa eat Twinkies?
He would rather eat Ho-Hos.

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y”.

What happens when a Irish Setter and a Pointer kiss under
the mistletoe?
You get a Pointsetter.

What is red and white and black all over?
Santa Claus covered in ashes.