Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?

Hog and kisses!

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What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?

A stupid cupid!

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Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

It was Valenswine’s Day!

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Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

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What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

“I’m sweet on you!”

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What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

“I find you very attractive.”

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What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?

A hug and a quiche!

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What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?

Desperate!

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What did one pickle say to the other?

“You mean a great dill to me.”

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Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

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What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

“I love you a ton!”

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What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

“You’re fun to hang around with.”

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Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?

He fell in love with a pincushion!

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What did the pencil say to the paper?

“I dot my i’s on you!”

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Liz: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Jon: “Really?”
Liz: “Yeah, you make me sick!”

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Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn’t suit his taste!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
“Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”