Q.) How many cochroaches does it take to turn on a light?

A.) No one knows…when the light comes on they all scatter!

If ever you want to annoy someone who annoys you, just say this punchline to a friend as you’re walking by the annoying someone.

Repeat this ritual (making sure the annoyance can hear you) constantly, but never tell the annoying someone the rest of the joke.

It will eventually drive them slightly insane!

The punchline is: “And then the president said, “But that’s not *my* duck!”

What really is the rest of the joke? In your dreams, baby!

Some Thoughts…

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics….

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“How do you breathe through that thing?”

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.

Unfortunately, the old man’s language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.

“There,” he said. “Maybe he’ll cool off in there.”

For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent.

A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, “If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary.”

Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.

“If you don’t mind, may I ask what the chicken did?”