Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.

“Certainly, sir” said the lady behind the counter, “shall I put them on your bill?”

“NO WAY!” replied Donald Duck, “What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!”

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?” Man: “Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

Judge: “Proceed.” Man: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?”

Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

Two guys in a jungle, come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.

One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.

2nd guy hisses: “What are you doing, you can’t outrun the lion” 1st guy says: “No, but all I have to do is outrun you”!

When is the best time to fake an orgasm?

When a rotteweiler is f**king your leg.

10 reasons why a dog doesn`t use a computer:

10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It`s hard to type with paws)

9. ‘Sit’ and ‘stay’ were hard enough; ‘delete’ and ‘save’ are out of the question.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Carpal Paw Syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the ’50 ways to skin a cat’ sites.

5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.

4. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, ‘you`ve got mail’.

3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

1. Can`t stick his head out of Windows XP.