A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course the famer is a blonde.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!”

a Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?

Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!”

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that their is no mistake my son…

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your clients, and you’re at least 108 years old!”

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband’s lawyer arose and said, “Isn’t it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?”

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, “What was that date again ?”

30 things people actually said in courtQuestion
1. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th Q: What year?
A: Every year.Question
2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.

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3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

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4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years

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5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?” Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan.

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6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost
499. Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and
500.

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7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do. Q: Voodoo?
A: We do. Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.

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10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

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11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

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12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

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13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

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15. Q: Did he kill you?

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16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

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17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

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19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?

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20. Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?
A: none. Q: Were there any girls?

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21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

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23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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25. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or female?

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26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral

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28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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30. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No. Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.