A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current
news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 he’s going to jump.
Blonde: OK.

(Back to newscast : He jumped!)
Blonde: OK. I lost. Here’s my $20 to you.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can’t take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the
6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn’t really a good bet.

Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

Pawned!

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?

A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, “Next”.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He’s had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Ziploc Bags are Male – they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female – once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male – it goes bald and it is often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male – to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it (of course, there’s the hot air part, too).

Sponges are Female – they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female – it is always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male – it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female – over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male – it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female – it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A Water Faucet is Female – it can turn hot or cold in just a matter of moments.

A Safety Pin is Male – it is often useful in an emergency.

A Foreign Movie is Female – it is not always completely understood.

A Computer is Female – even your smallest mistakes are stored in memory.

Quarters are like gold.

Flip-flops become as important as soap, and shampoo.

Asleep by 2:30 AM is an early night.

New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos.

Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

Duct tape heals all wounds.

Showers become less important.

Sleep becomes more important.

10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.

Going to the mailbox was never an ego-booster (or ego-breaker) before.

You begin to nap again.

The book your professor wrote is always required for his class.

E-mail becomes your second language.

Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.

You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

Don’t burn bridges, especially if he’s good in Biology.

Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

The health service attendants are there because they couldn’t make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.

Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

College girls are the same as high school girls – just with more freedom, and no curfew.

Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression, but it’s not.

Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

Any game can be made into a drinking game.

Disney movies are more than just classics.

Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don’t get the messages.

Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

ATMs are the devil’s advocate.

Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

You almost forget how to drive.

You’ll drink anything if it’s free.

People still cheat; it’s just more technologically advanced.

You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

The girl you’re going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

Ordering food at 1 AM is a common occurrence.

You never realized how cool you can be.

TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

You realize how great your hell summer job was once you have to study.

Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temperatures, and roommates snoring.

You don’t have to cover your textbooks anymore.

You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties.

You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not.

Procrastination becomes an art.

Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.

The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you’re on intellectual welfare.

Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

Amount of alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.

You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

Classes: the later the better.

The cute girls actually talk to you now.

Care packages make it all worthwhile.

The longer you’re there, the less you talk about home.

Always wear your safety goggles. They’re not kidding.

You don’t learn last names.

Card games never lasted for hours before.

Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

Boys will dance in college.

People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

You are NEVER alone.

It’s amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the Lucky Charms in the cafeteria are the real thing.

People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send some cookies.

You never realized how quiet your house was.

Dishes aren’t dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and / or mold in them.

You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

Your life will never be the same again.