A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way.
This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”. She turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What, exactly, is your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer”, she says ,” I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really,” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?” “Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent.”

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”.

“Tonto,” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do.

When a man volunteers to do the cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store and buys the food.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is done.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and puts it on a plate for the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off from cooking?” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Isn’t it funny how most w4m ads are like checklists of requirements. These women think finding a guy is like ordering a sandwich – a little more height please, easy on the love of sports, and can you throw in a weekend house in the mountains and a willingness to support some other guy’s children?

If men wrote their m4w ads the same way, we would expect to see something like this:

Looking to meet the woman of my dreams. Someone who appreciates me for who I am. I love big TV’s, big trucks, baseball caps, and wife-beater tanks. I love going out with my friends to get drunk at strip clubs too. I’m looking for a nice woman who is not looking to jump into a relationship too soon but who knows what it means to be sexy and take care of her partner. Please no BBW’s (sorry) but you won’t look good on my arm when I wear a white t-shirt.

You must love dogs and my beer can collection, my dogs, my cans, and I are a package, so if you’re not into them then please move on. I like to let all 6 of my dogs sleep in my bed with me, so hopefully you don’t have a problem with that.

Deal breakers:
likes to shop too much
obsessed with height (i am short)
fat
talks about yourself too much
neediness
always wanting to talk about the relationship
small breasts (sorry, there is nothing sexier than grabbing onto a nice pair)
doesnt like to cook for her man
bossiness
nagging
always wanting to get up early in the morning
fat
intolerance of me and my habits
pressure to have kids

Turn ons:
thin
large breasts (very sexy)
quiet
beer drinker
has her own friends and won’t try to make me watch chick flicks
smells good
likes football
doesn’t expect me to pay all the time
intelligent but not too intelligent (i dont like nerdy girls)
rich father
thin
doesn’t have a relationship calendar, i.e. doesnt wonder after 3 months if we are going in the right direction.

Can you find me a woman like that??? LOL