One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy

your desires. Yet, he’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it’s our secret. Woman to Woman.”

In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented.

“The nerve endings,” said St. Peter, “how many will I put in her hands?”

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Two hundred, O Mighty One.”

“Then we shall do the same for the woman.”

“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals, O Mightiest?”

“How many did we put in Adam?”

“Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One.”

“Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn’t we? Do the same for woman.”

“Yes, O Great Lord.”

“Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it’d be a hoot to hear her scream out my name…”

1. Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

14. Women would rule the world.

He said. . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you’re never there.

Some reasons that it’s great to be a guy:

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every picture of somebody crying.

All your orgasms are real.

You don’t have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, “He must be mad at me.”

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time.

You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just too dirty.

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind your back.

With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends that you’ve changed.

Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “screw it.”

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, “So… notice anything different?”

Things that suck about being a guy:

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.

Ribbed for her pleasure — not yours.

You have to wear ties.

You can’t flirt your way out of a jam.

“Women and children first.”