This information came over the internet some years ago. It purports to be the answers given by students in science exams around the world. It came with the comment that “it is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades?.” I was unable to trace the author, but as the work deserves wider dissemination, I present here the answers of most interest to a medical audience.

General:

“The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

Respiration:

“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire”
“Respiration consists of two acts: first inspiration, then expectoration.”

Cardiovascular:
“The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars.”

Gastrointestinal:
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama.”

Dentistry:
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

Orthopaedics:
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat on.”

Reproductive medicine:
“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.”
“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

Haematology:
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

Eyes and nose:
“To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.”
“For a cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

First aid:
“For fainting: rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the head instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.”
“For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”
“For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.
Henry started by saying, “I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin’ on me with a carpenter!”

Tom answered, “Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.
The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin’ on me with a plumber!”

Otis then joins in and says, “Well, if you think that’s bad, I’ve got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed.

I think my Lina is cheatin’ on me with a horse!”

There was this man from Cape Horn,
He wished he had never been born,
He would not have been,
Had his father seen
That the tip of his Nirodh was torn.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S ENGLISH:

I am hungry……………………..I am hungry
I am tired…………………………I am tired
Nice dress………………………Nice cleavage!
I love you…………………………Let’s have sex now
I am bored………………………Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?………………..I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?……………I’d like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?…….I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?……….I’d like to have sex with you.
I don’t think your shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:

Yes…………………………………..No
No……………………………………Yes
Maybe………………………………No
We need………………………….I want
I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry
We need to talk……………….You’re in trouble
Sure, go ahead………………..You better not
Do what you want……………You will pay for this later
I am not upset………………….Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You’re attentive tonight………Is sex all you ever think about?

< size="2">40-ish…………………………..56+ (it’s the red convertible that makes him feel so young)
Active…………………………..Gets up to get his own damn beer
Adventurous…………………..Asks for extra spicy on his burrito supreme
Enjoys cooking………………Can operate microwave
Enjoys travel………………….Never asks for directions
Athletic………………………..Loves playing Madden 08 on XBox 360
Generous……………………..Incapable of thinking of anyone other than himself
Romantic……………………..Has Viagra prescription
Considerate…………………..Leaves seat up and is a bad aim.
Emotional…………………….Gets pissed when out of beer
Loves pets……………………Does not pick up poop especially from some dumbass little dog
Loves children……………….Really doesn’t like poop so get used to it
Loves family………………….Will probably hit on your sister.
Loves strong coffee………….Usually hung over
Looking for soul mate………Search likely to go on for a long, long time
Slim…………………………….Sickly.
Boyish-charm………………..Momma’s boy
Youthful……………………….Bald as a baby
Man’s man……………………Hair growing everywhere even where seemingly impossible
Loves to laugh……………….Smokes too much pot