“Staring at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals. Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at women’s breasts is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym. A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.
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“I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
“It’s in the phone book.”
“But I don’t know your name.”
“That’s in the phone book too.”

“I want to give myself to you.”
“Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”
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Ziploc Bags are Male – they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female – once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male – it goes bald and it is often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male – to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it (of course, there’s the hot air part, too).

Sponges are Female – they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female – it is always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male – it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female – over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male – it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female – it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A Water Faucet is Female – it can turn hot or cold in just a matter of moments.

A Safety Pin is Male – it is often useful in an emergency.

A Foreign Movie is Female – it is not always completely understood.

A Computer is Female – even your smallest mistakes are stored in memory.

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”

She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”

One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”