It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband’s lawyer arose and said, “Isn’t it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?”

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, “What was that date again ?”

30 things people actually said in courtQuestion
1. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th Q: What year?
A: Every year.Question
2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.

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3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

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4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years

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5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?” Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan.

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6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost
499. Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and
500.

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7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do. Q: Voodoo?
A: We do. Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.

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10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

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11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

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12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

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13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

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15. Q: Did he kill you?

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16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

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17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

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19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?

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20. Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?
A: none. Q: Were there any girls?

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21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

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23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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25. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or female?

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26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral

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28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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30. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No. Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early sir”, replied the defendant.

“Well that’s not an crime”, said the judge! “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened”, answered the prisoner.

What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One’s a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. One of the “smartest men in the world” just went skydiving with my back pack.”