The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.”You made over $600,000 last year but you haven’t given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?”

The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, “If you only knew…

My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income.
My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.
My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident.”

Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer’s profits.

The lawyer nodded and said, “Exactly…
Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don’t even give to my own family!”

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me!’”

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.”Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There was an empty seat.Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.

Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
A: His personality.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.