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Lawyers Jokes


The Lawyer may be recognised by his freshly ironed starched white shirt, long black pants, silk power tie, and a strange tendency to constantly compliment everyone he comes into contact with while simultaneously charging them a small one-time consultation fee of around $147. Like the mosquito, the Lawyer absconds with his blood-meal very often before the host has even realized it has been stolen. Unlike the mosquito, however, which at worst may give you malaria, Lawyers may expose you to unusually high titers of poison gas, huge electrical voltages, or non-therapeutic intravenous injections. Lawyers have an uncanny ability to defend the innocense of criminals and terrorists whom they would not come within 20 feet of themselves. Lawyers have a very confused understanding of free speech: that free speech is free only if it does not offend them or their clients, whereas violating common decency, or compromising national security, is permissible. A lawyer’s worst fear is that somebody, somewhere in the universe, is happy, wealthy, reputable, and getting something productive done. An interesting enigma surrounding lawyerdom is that despite lawyers’ notorious greed and guile and all-around sociopathy, at the end of the day they write checks to liberal causes, because after all, lawyers “care about people…especially their most loyal patrons”.

Cross With A Blonde

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

A1: I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won’t stop until it gets blood.

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Inventing Wire

How was wire invented?

Two lawyers pulling on a penny.

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Judges Award

“Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $275 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

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Lawyer: Send Me

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

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Origin of Lawyers

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

“Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from!”

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