1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.” Read More…

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Do you know how tough it is being a man…? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a head ache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you’re oversexed. if you don’t, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! …….. THEY WANT TO!!

Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?
He wanted a foam mattress.

Why did the pig run away from the pig-sty?
He thought that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.

Why did the Maharishi not want novocaine when he had a tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?
He wanted sweet and sour pork.

Why did King Author wear his Cloak to the Great Ball, rather than his Mantle?
Cause kings go better with cloak!

Why did the truck driver drive his truck off the cliff?
He wanted to try out the air brakes.

Why did Quasimodo’s wife buy him a wok?
To iron his shirts.

Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison?
A: A small Medium at large.

What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name.

What do you call a rock group with Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Handel, and Chopin?
The Decomposers.

What do you call a teletubby who’s been robbed?
A tubby

What do you get when a dinosaur has a car accident?
Tyrannosarus wrecks.

What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow?
An animal that can milk itself.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do you call a lifeguard with no legs?
Bob.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with only three legs?
Lean beef.

What do you get if you cross an artist with a policeman?
A brush with the law.

What do you call a man with sports equipment on his head?
Jim

What do you call a woman with a cat on her head?
Kitty

What do you call a woman with a nut tree on her head?
Hazel

What do you get if you cross a baby with a ufo?
An unidentified crying object.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish?
A pair of swimming trunks.

What do you call a man who walks through the autumn leaves?
Russell.

What do you get if you cross a flea with a rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.

What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I’m not going to smell it.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?
A rash of good luck!

What do you get when a dinosaur has a car accident?
Tyrannosarus wrecks

What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian!!

What do you call a rock group with Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Handel, and Chopin?
The Decomposers.

Q: What do you call a cow that’s just had a baby?
A: Decalfinated

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you call a farmer who used to like farm machinery?
An ex-tractor fan.

What do you call who ate a duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-puss.

What do you call a hippy’s wife?
Mississippi.

What do you call a camel with three humps?
Humphrey.

What do you call a snake who is employed by the government?
A civil serpent.

What do you get if you cross a snake with a set of building blocks?
A boa constructor.

What do you get if you cross a worm with an elephant?
Great big holes in your garden.

What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?
A bite in shining armour.

What do you get if you cross a thief with an orchestra?
Robbery with violins.

What do you get if you cross a labrador dog with a tortoise?
You get an animal that goes to the newsagent’s and come back with last weeks newspaper.