As I’ve Matured…
-I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
-I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
-I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
-I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
-I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
-I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
-I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
-I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
-I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
-I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, and keep coming back.
-I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
-I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
-I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.
-I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
-I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
   At age 12, success is...having friends.
     At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
       At age 20, success is...having sex.
        At age 35, success is...having money.
        At age 50, success is...having money.
       At age 60, success is...having sex.
     At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
   At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

1. Plastic wrap on the toilet:

It’s a little gross, but this is a classic dorm prank. Just place a layer of plastic wrap between the toilet bowl and the seat. When a bleary-eyed college student stumbles into the bathroom before his 8 o’clock class, he’ll be in for a wet surprise. Just make sure you don’t have bathroom-cleaning duty that week.

2. Towel/robe theft:

This prank works best in a dorm with community bathrooms. When your roommate heads for the shower, sneak in after her and take away her towel or bathrobe. How far will she go to make it back to the room? Make sure to stick close by in case it causes a meltdown!

3. Marker fun:

We pity the poor college student who is the first one to pass out after a night of partying. That doesn’t mean we can’t still laugh at him, though. When the moment comes, grab a pack of markers and draw on your friend. Give him a new mustache, write embarrassing messages on his body, or wherever else inspiration (and beer) takes you. A variation on this prank is to use red lipstick to write a seductive message on a guy’s stomach or cover him with lip prints, so he’ll wonder exactly what happened to him last night.

4. Computer-based pranks:

Some technologically-minded students prefer to take their pranks online. Consider it pranking for a new millennium. For a quick and free prank, you can sign your roommate up for email newsletters on embarrassing topics. If you know her email password, change it so she can’t get her messages. If she leaves her instant-messaging program open at all times, write a new eyebrow-raising away message. You can also make small changes to the computer itself, such as adding an inappropriate image to the desktop. A great part of these pranks is that the changes are easily fixed, for when you want a moment of shock without doing any real damage.

5. “Contaminated” food:

The key to this prank is convincing the victim that he has eaten something disgusting, when in fact, he hasn’t. First, take photographic evidence of a piece of food being dirtied in some way (dipping it in the toilet, placing it in unmentionable places, etc.), then throw it out. After your victim has eaten a completely clean version of the food, show him the “evidence” and watch the retching begin. It’s one of the best dorm pranks because you’re not actually doing anything to harm the person; it’s all in the power of suggestion.

6. Dorm room + paper:

Since paper is so readily available, it makes for a cheap and easy dorm prank prop. One prank involves taking a large sheet of paper and taping it in front of the dorm room door, so the occupant is barricaded in her room. It’s good for a laugh, but it doesn’t make it impossible to leave the room. If you have more time and patience, another great way to use paper in a dorm room is to fill an entire closet with crumpled up newspaper. You’ll want to see the expression on her face when she opens the door and it all comes tumbling out.

7. Rearranged room:

When someone leaves the dorm for the day, rearrange his room. Move all the furniture, hang the posters on different walls, and change everything possible. For added fun, make sure everyone else on the floor is in on the joke, so they can act like they don’t see anything wrong when the victim returns. This prank requires some planning and assistance from like-minded individuals, but it’s another good prank for giving the victim a harmless surprise.

8. Universal remote:

If your dorm has a common area with a television, use a universal remote to change the channel as you walk by and enjoy the confusion that ensues. It’s a simple, yet effective, joke.

9. Money on the floor:

For another common-area prank, glue a coin to the floor, then sit back and watch as student after student tries to pick it up. An area near the laundry room would be an especially convincing place to glue quarters. It’s one of the best dorm pranks for providing a bit of harmless entertainment.

10. Crickets:

If you’d like to give someone a few sleepless nights, hide a box of crickets in his dorm room. While this prank wins points for overall annoyance, it does have the potential for getting you in trouble with dorm authorities, so use caution.

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

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