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Funny Lists


What are lists?
Well .. lists are articles like: The top 10 things that [insert purpose here], How to [insert result here] in [insert period here] … with a funny approach.
They are very successful and a great number of such lists are running around the WWW.

# Take the hotel towel
# Pay tolls with $100 bills
# Practice the art of limp handshakes
# Tell the ending of movies Read More…

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1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for
your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know
what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens’ legs, especially if you are
female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so
long in the restroom?!?”

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to
you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits,
and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e
anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter
returns with another potato for you, have the first one back
up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words
around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up
and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking
them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a
lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on
the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

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Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers

Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them.

Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.

Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what’s acceptable in a particular forum or newsgroup. Then leap in and do the opposite.

Rule 7: Be aware of others’ time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.

Rule 6: Make yourself look good online always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.

Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone’s buttons in a forum, send private email to everyone else telling them.

Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.

Rule 3: Respect other people’s privacy…if you have some dirt about a member of a newsgroup, spread it only via private email.

Rule 2: Don’t abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.

Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.

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Steve Martin Hosting the Oscars:

“There are 800,000,000 people watching with the exact same thought — that we’re all gay.”

“Please hold your applause until it’s for me.”

“Kate Hudson is 21. I love welcoming young stars to show business, because it reminds me of my own death.”

To Julia Roberts: “Julia, it seems like ever since you got caller i.d., you’re never at home.”

“How are we doing on time? Oh, we have five hours.”

“Be careful what you say to Charlton Heston, because he thinks he was in Gladiator.”

“Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. It’s not easy to have an enduring marriage in Hollywood, because we sleep with so many people.”

“Ellen Burstyn made herself look thirty pounds heavier and twenty years older, and Russell Crowe still hit on her.”

“Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon sounds like something Siegfried and Roy would do on vacation. I saw the movie and realized I saw no tigers or dragons, but of course they were crouching and hidden.”

“Ticket prices in New York went to $10 for several reasons — Julia.”

“Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.”

“We’re going to give a Lifetime Achievement award to 81-year-old Dino De Laurentiis — or as Anna Nicole Smith would call him, fresh meat.” Then he introduced the first presenter, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and there was, of course, a shot of her older husband, Michael Douglas.

“You loved him in Meet the Parents, and you were all right with him in Mystery Men. Here’s Ben Stiller.”

“The FBI has turned up a suspect in the plot to kidnap Russell Crowe, and, Tom Hanks, you should be ashamed of yourself.”

After Bjork appeared in a swan costume: “I was going to wear my swan, but they’re so last year.”

“Bob Dylan is appearing live from Sydney, Australia, with an 18-hour time difference, which for Bob is normal.”

“At the end of the night we’re going to vote someone out of show business.”

“At the beginning of the evening Mr. Lehman was 24.”

“Tom Hanks took a shortcut to becoming a movie star. He made only hits. Here’s Mr. Easy Pants, Tom Hanks.”

*****

David Letterman on The Late Show:

“It’s been 48 hours since the Oscars, and workers are still dismantling Goldie Hawn.”

“Benicio Del Toro won Best Supporting Actor. I loved it when he climbed over everybody’s seat back. Russell Crowe celebrated by breaking up two more Hollywood marriages. When Bob Dylan came on the big screen I thought he was the first of the dead people montage. That Jennifer Lopez’s dress was flimsier than Puff Daddy’s alibi. You could see right through the front, and I was up fine-tuning my set. I guess it was the first time no one was looking at her ass. And did you see Bjork’s swan dress? Remember when Fabio got hit in the face with a goose?”

“You know what I’d say if I got Best Actor? ‘Now that I’m an Academy Award winner, here’s a list of the people who can kiss my ass.’”

“Mayor Giuliani is getting rid of all the hookers, strippers and lap dancers. New York is going to be a great place to live, but there’ll be nobody left to enjoy it.”

“It was so nice in New York today that Mom and I went out and grifted a mark.”

“It’s been a hundred days since George W. Bush took office. This is probably the final nail in the coffin for Al Gore’s campaign.”

“Bill Clinton’s put on a lot of weight since he left office, so his friends bought him a running machine. Evidently the one in the White House was welded to the floor. He kept trim in office by lying his ass off. Actually, he worked out on a stationery intern. He’s gained so much weight that for the first time he’s concerned about getting into his own pants.”

Guest Shannon Elizabeth: “In Mexico at dinner one night a baby bat fell into my plate.” Dave: “And had you ordered the baby bat?”

Guest George Carlin:
“I’m 63 now, but that’s just 17 Celsius.”
“I’m writing a book called Get Off My Back. It’s about Siamese twins, and one commits suicide. My next book, though is Napalm & Silly Putty.”
“I’m also writing a sequel to the Bible. There are the Book of Linda and the Book of Julio and the Book of Debbi. It’s called The Bible Rides Again.”
“I’ve written a lot under my pen name, Ballpoint.”
“My mother carried me very low. My feet were sticking out the last six weeks. My mother wore the only pair of maternity shoes.”
“You know how your father would throw you up in the air and catch you? Mine would walk off.”
“When I played doctor with girls I’d find something wrong with them.”

Guest Nathan Lane:
“I just got out of rehab for my sex addiction. Dr. Phil says hi, by the way.”
“The sad part is, Bjork’s swan dress was still alive during rehearsal. And, oddly enough, the sound a dying swan makes actually is ‘bjork.’”
“Did you see Jennifer Lopez? Her Oscar dress was the lining from her Grammy dress.”
“Russell Crowe is as moody as a supermodel who’s run out of smokes.”
“I was glad Bob Dylan won, but, please, no more close-ups. He made Keith Richards look robust.”

*****

Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

“The Oscars were Crouching Wonder Bra, Hidden Implants. Gladiator got Best Picture. Hollywood was blown away by the concept of stabbing people in the front. A lot of stars were there with their parents, like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Oh no, that was her husband, Michael Douglas. Our announcer Ed Hall had to leave. He and Bjork were wearing the same outfit. At first I thought she was the San Diego Chicken. Then there was the dead muskrat on Charlton Heston’s head. Like Bjork, Jennifer Lopez also looked like she was from Iceland. At the Vanity Fair party I was at table 14, and Monica Lewinsky was under table 12.”

“Today we saw the first sign of spring. Bjork’s dress started building a nest. Today it tried to mate with the NBC peacock. Monica Lewinsky liked the swan dress. Next year she’s going as a swallow.”

“An Arkansas judge has thrown out the state’s sodomy laws. All of Arkansas is behind him now. And now Bill Clinton can move back home.”

“Mayor Giuliani is closing down all the porn shops. He says he want to make New York a decent place to bring your mistress.”

“Disney is laying off four thousand workers. How do you tell a dwarf he’s being downsized?”

“George W. Bush turns out to be a fitness buff. He says working out clears his mind. It works. He has the mind of a ten-year-old.”

“The funeral was just held for atheist Madalyn Murray O’Hair. An atheist funeral — all dressed up and no place to go.”

“The Supreme Court may end affirmative action. No more white guys in the NBA.”

“There’s a new Eminem action figure. I guess it’s for guys who hate gays but still like to play with dolls.”

“Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez may be getting back together. It’s just that, with the gun charges, he’d needed to concentrate on his own ass for awhile.”

“Do you remember when Michael Jackson paid $1.5 million for the Best Picture Oscar from Gone With the Wind? Turned out to be a bargain. The next little naked guy cost him $20 million.”

“MIR just got a call from AMTRAK: ‘Great crash!’”

“A new Starbucks opened in New York today, where the New York Stock Exchange used to be.”

“And this power crisis is something. Who thought the 21st Century would be the Dark Ages?”

“An 80-year-old man was arrested for growing pot. That’s one way to get the grandkids to visit. And you know what the guy rolled? Arthritic joints.”

“Barbra Streisand is doing a series of farewell concerts for VH1. Every week she’ll perform the final concert of her career.”

“The FDA has approved an electric orgasm machine for women. That explains California’s power shortage.”

“Another teacher has been arrested for having sex with her 13-year-old male student. In my day all we got to bang were the erasers.”

“Canada is importing sperm from the U.S. Canada’s problem? Not enough Yanks.”

“A study shows gay men are in better shape than straight men. That’s what straight guys have always told their wives and girlfriends. ‘A great body? He’s gay.’”

“Did you know NBC broadcast the very first football game. Less than a hundred people tuned in. Much like the XFL today.”

“On the Oscars we’ll see a new Britney Spears Pepsi commercial. She’s a good spokesperson for them. They both have plastic jugs. Incidentally there’s one guy whose job is to polish the cleavages of actresses for the telecast. There’s a job my high school guidance counselor didn’t tell me about.”

“Surgeons replaced a man’s penis with one of his fingers. Now his pants fit him like a glove, but his manicurist has filed a sexual harassment suit. One good thing — he can now pull down his zipper from inside.”

“In ancient Egypt women used crocodile dung for birth control. Makes you wonder how many other types of dung they tried first.”

*****

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Ziploc Bags are Male – they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female – once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male – it goes bald and it is often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male – to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it (of course, there’s the hot air part, too).

Sponges are Female – they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female – it is always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male – it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female – over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male – it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female – it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

A Water Faucet is Female – it can turn hot or cold in just a matter of moments.

A Safety Pin is Male – it is often useful in an emergency.

A Foreign Movie is Female – it is not always completely understood.

A Computer is Female – even your smallest mistakes are stored in memory.

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