1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” – He has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”

2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” – He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”

3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” – He “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”

4. He is not “BALDING” – He is in “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”

5. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS” – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”

6. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants – It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE.”

1 She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” – She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN.”

2. She is not “EASY” – She is “HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”

3. She is not a “DUMB BLOND” – She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.”

4. She has not “BEEN AROUND” – She is a “PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.”

5 . She does not “NAG” you – She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”

6. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” – She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER.”

The 10 Worst Pick up Lines

1. “You’re ugly but you intrigue me.”
2. “Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.”
3. “I’m drunk.”
4. “Hi, my friends call me Creepy.”
5. “I just threw up.”
6. “I’ve had quite a bit to drink, and you’re beginning to look pretty good.”
7. “You have the face of a saint — a Saint Bernard.”
8. “Is that a false nose?”
9. “You’ll do.”
10. “Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

The Replies & Comebacks:

I’d love to, but…

1. I have to floss my cat.
2. I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.
3. I want to spend more time with my blender.
4. the President said he might drop in.
5. the man on television told me to say tuned.
6. I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7. I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8. it’s my parakeet’s bowling night.
9. it wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10. I’m building a pig from a kit.
11. I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
12. I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13. there’s a disturbance in the Force.
14. I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15. I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.
16. I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
17. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18. I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19. I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20. my crayons all melted together.
21. I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22. I’m in training to be a household pest.
23. I’m getting my overalls overhauled.
24. my patent is pending.
25. I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
26. I’m sandblasting my oven.
27. I’m worried about my vertical hold.
28. I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29. I’m being deported.
30. the grunion are running.
31. I’ll be looking for a parking space.
32. my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33. the monsters haven’t turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34. I’m taking punk totem pole carving.
35. I have to fluff my shower cap.
36. I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37. I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39. my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40. I have to fulfill my potential.
41. I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
42. it’s too close to the turn of the century.
43. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44. my subconscious says no.
45. I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46. I left my body in my other clothes.
47. the last time I went, I never came back.
48. I’ve got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49. I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.
50. none of my socks match.
51. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52. I’m having all my plants neutered.
53. people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54. I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
55. I’m making a home movie called “The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.”
56. I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57. my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58. I’m touring China with a wok band.
59. my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60. I never go out on days that end in “Y.”
61. my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62. I’m running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63. I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I can’t put it down.
64. I’m too old/young for that stuff.
65. I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66. I have too much guilt.
67. there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68. I have to draw “Cubby” for an art scholarship.
69. I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
70. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71. I feel a song coming on.
72. I’m trying to be less popular.
73. my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74. I have to bleach my hare.
75. I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner.
76. I’m writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77. you know how we psychos are.
78. my favorite commercial is on TV.
79. I have to study for a blood test.
80. I’m going to be old someday.
81. I’ve been traded to Cincinnati.
82. I’m observing National Apathy Week.
83. I have to rotate my crops.
84. my uncle escaped again.
85. I’m up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86. I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87. I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.
88. I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89. I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90. I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91. having fun gives me prickly heat.
92. I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93. I have to jog my memory.
94. my palm reader advised against it.
95. my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96. I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97. I prefer to remain an enigma.
98. I think you want the OTHER[your name].
99. I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100. I’m trying to cut down.
101. … well, maybe.

Complements for that special person in your life:

1. She just lost ten pounds, she brushed her teeth.
2. May god have mercy on your soul. He didn’t have it on your face.
3. Why don’t you give yourself a treat? Paint all your mirrors.
4. After half a day in a beauty salon, she still hasn’t been worked on — they’re still busy giving her an estimate.
5. She looks like a million — every year of it.

THE CANONICAL (complete for non-mathematicians) LIST OF PICKUP LINES

That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed…
Do you want to see something swell?
Why don’t you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
Gee, you don’t sweat much for a fat chick.
Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!]
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.
Bond. James Bond.
Stand back, I’m a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I’ll loosen her clothes.
You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book… So what’s one more??
That’s a nice dress – could I talk you out of it?
If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?
Ya’ know, that outfit would look great on my bedroom floor…..
I love every bone in your body – especially mine
Sex is a killer … so die happy!
Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
You’ve got the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across…..
If we are what we eat, I could be you by morning.

He: “What was that?”
She: “What was what?”
He: “That sound.”
She: “I didn’t hear anything.”
He: “It was the sound of my heart breaking.”

How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

1. “I’m down here”
2. “Just because I’ve got bells on my shoes doesn’t mean I’m a sissy”
3. “I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi”
4. “I can get you off the naughty list”
5. “I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on toys”
6. “I’m a magical being. Take off your bra.”
7. “No, no. I don’t bake cookies. You’re thinking of those dorks over at Keebler”
8. “I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man”
9. “You’d look great in a Raggedy Ann wig”
10. “I can eat my weight in cocktail sausages”

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Groucho Marx

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.

Winston Churchill ‘s response to George Bernard Shaw

I feel so miserable without you; it ‘s almost like having you here.

Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

John Bright

I ‘ve just learned about his illness. Let ‘s hope it ‘s nothing trivial.

Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.

Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

Paul Keating

He had delusions of adequacy.

Walter Kerr

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

Mae West

Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!

Winston Churchill ‘s response to Lady Astor

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

Moses Hadas

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”

Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”

Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”

Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

Forrest Tucker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.”

Abraham Lincoln

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts   for support rather than illumination.” Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

Billy Wilder

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

“You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”

The Earl of Sandwich

“That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”

John Wilkes’s response to The Earl of Sandwich

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

Winston Churchill

Actual UNIX commands and responses…

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% got a light?
No match.

% sleep with me
bad character

% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% make ‘heads or tails of all this’
Make: Don’t know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

% make sense
Make: Don’t know how to make sense. Stop.

% make mistake
Make: Don’t know how to make mistake. Stop.

% make bottle.open
Make: Don’t know how to make bottle.open. Stop.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% make light
Make: Don’t know how to make light. Stop.

% date me
You are not superuser: date not set

% man rear
No manual entry for rear.

% [Where is Chandra Levy?
Missing ]

% “How does Gary Condit rate as a liar?
Unmatched ”

% If I had a ) for every dollar Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many )’s.

% * How would you describe Bill Clinton
*: Ambiguous.

% %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.

% “How would you rate Reagan’s senility?
Unmatched “.