Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. What\’s that brass gong for? asked the friend. It\’s not a gong. It\’s a talking clock, the drunk replied. A talking clock? How\’s it work? Watch this, said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: Hey, you jerk. It\’s 3:00 in the morning!

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors the boat and settles in to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking it rather obvious.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day, ma’am,” says the warden as he motors away.

Scene – A grade one classroom on a warm summer afternoon.

Teacher: We are going to have a spelling competition this afternoon. Anyone who can spell a word correctly can go home early. We’ll start with Mary. What did you do at lunchtime?

Mary: I played in the sand-pit.

Teacher: Mary, can you spell “pit?”

Mary: P . . . I . . . T?

Teacher: Very good, you may go. Now Tommy, what did you you do at lunch?

Tommy: I was playing with my toy car.

Teacher: Tommy, can you spell “car?”

Tommy: C . . A . . R

Teacher: Very good, you may go. Now Johnny, why are you crying?

Johnny: (sniff) ‘Cause Tommy and Mary wouldn’t play with me at lunchtime, just ’cause I’m black (sniff).

Teacher: My my. That’s racial prejudice. Johnny, can you spell “racial prejudice?”
—————-

If you feel our jokes are racist, take a deep breath and relax. It’s just humor.

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”

“No, I’m sorry it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”

“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only
the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a
pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water
to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his
friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by
nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and
a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog,
however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve
the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day
long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the
water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a
single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice
anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”