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Computers Jokes


A computer is a fun box (note derivation from the original Portuguese “Computador”) filled with unicorns and goblins, happy magical super magic, rainbows, wart toads computer games and brazillions and brazillions (note that Portuguese is spoken in Brazil by the Brazillions) of funographic images and videos that can do simple things like milking a cat, mathematical operations (not real ones though, as these are typically carried out by armies of human slaves, in large facilities called ‘schools’) and compose essays.

It’s other purposes include destruction of mankind, giving Bill Gates reasons to get filthy rich, and whacking your someone in the head(Yes!!!). It has been known to drive people up the wall while using it, which scientists think will lead to gay hockey players and several species of flying cow. It has been likened unto a potent sled dog that sucks the user into habitual addictive behaviors.
If you have fatigued your computer, it will start to moan in a rather bothering fashion. If this does happen you should get off as fast as possible, as not to get that magic juice on you. Magic juice has been known to cause extreme horniness for sharp objects.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

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Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek…

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my [email protected]” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!”

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

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A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

“Well,” she said. “The first time I married an octogenarian and he
died before we could consummate the marriage.”

“The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our
wedding day.”

“The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just
sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going
to be.”

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Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

13. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

21. Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

25. O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!

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It’s time to turn your computer off and read a book when….

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

10. You can’t call your mother. . She doesn’t have a modem.

11. You check you mail. It says “no new messages”. So you check it again.

12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.

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