Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend
3.1 to GirlFriend Plus
1.0 (marketing name: Fiance
1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance
1.0 to Wife
1.0 and it’s a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.

Wife
1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey
2.1, squash
3.01 and boys out
1.
2. Although he didn’t ask for them, Wife
1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.

Some features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend
4.
0… – A “Don’t remind me again” button – Minimize button – Shutdown feature – An install shield feature so that Girlfriend
4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects) – “Abort” button (O.K. that one’s pretty bad – but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend
2.0 with Girlfriend
1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend
1.0 but it didn’t have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks–in all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is that it is totally “object orientated” and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife
1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress
1.1 before uninstalling Wife
1.0, Wife
1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife
1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer
6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it’s knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress
1.1 in high memory, Wife
1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this “unusual” handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was “Do you notice anything unusual about me?” The guy said, “Now that you mention it, you have no ears.” The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”

The guy also noticed, “Yes, you have no ears.” The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”

The guy replied “Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses.”

Surprised, the man then asked, “Wow! That’s quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?”

The guy burst out laughing and said you can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any ears!

New Computer Viruses!

John Bobbit Virus– Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

�Oprah Winfrey Virus– Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

�Politically Correct Virus– Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”.

�Right to Life Virus– Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

�Government Economist Virus– Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

�Federal Bureaucrat Virus– Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

�AT&T Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

�MCI Virus– Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

�Sprint Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you that it’s better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

�PBS Virus– Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

�Health Care Virus– Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

�LAPD Virus– It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense”.

�O.J. Virus– Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

�Ross Perot Virus– Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

�Ted Turner Virus– Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

�Dan Quayle Virus– Their is sumthing rong wit your’re komputer, we jsut can’t figyour out watt.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.

2. You check out their address, and it’s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.

3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.

4. Their proud boast: “We’ve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.”

5. Their promo materials use the words “information” and “superhighway” in the same sentence.

6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks “Would you like fries with that?”

7. “As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.”

8. “Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.”

9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.

10. They charge by the word.

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other…

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it’s a real easy game. He explains,”I ask a question and if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don’t know the answer I’ll pay you $5.” Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “O.K., if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don’t know the answer I pay you $50! ” Now, that got the Engineer’s attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” Then Engineer doesn’t say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Programmer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?” The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, “Well what’s the answer to the question?” Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.