A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God…

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘
95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, ” Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told God. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!”

“Oh, that?…That was a DEMO,” replied God.

This is deadly serious, so don’t ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of…

THE CLINTON Virus….
(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus…
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus….
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus….
(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus….
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus….
(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus…
(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus….
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus…
(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

…and last but not least…

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus…
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position?

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!”

Can any of you relate to these “addiction” quips? I sure can

The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

The remote to the T.V. is missing…and you don’t even care.
You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month “unlimited!”
You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
The last girl you picked up was a 800×66 jpeg.
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP …because you never log off!
Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed with us.”

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

You have comandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

You check your email. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again…and again…and again…

You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

Your dog has its own home page.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You’re surprised to learn there’s also a 2 o’clock in the “afternoon”.
You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye’s.
Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.