One of Microsoft Network’s finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…

“It’s leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!”

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:

Congressional Virus v
2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Warren Commission Virus : Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.

David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.

Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Texas Virus : Makes sure it’s bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it’s virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

Airline Virus : You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it’s doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.

Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,
500.

LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defence”.

Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, “I am saved!” to the screen.

Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won’t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

And finally…

JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Microsoft’s ad slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?”

Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released :

1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 gives you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
9. I’ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I’m trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows
3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive
A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?” 10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off.” 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417
A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER. 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan
1.0 – “OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)” 22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

Remember When (Classic)

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean…. And RAM was the cousin of a goat…..

MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle finger upright Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2″ floppy You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You’d be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider’s home And a virus was the flu

I guess i’ll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead