When the Ark’s door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. “Listen up!” Noah said with a demanding voice. “There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.”

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife’s cage and was very excited. “Quick!” he said, “Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!”

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, “Sorry, no land yet.” “Darn it!”, exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, “What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?”

“LOOK!”, said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper… “I GOT THE HORSE’S RECEIPT!!”

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man’s trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, “You shouldn’t do that. He’ll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!”.

The blind man retorted, “I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass”!

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz… down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!”

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, “I’m a Lark and I’ve been sparked”

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says “I’m a Drake and there’s been a mistake!”

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whisky, you cow!”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you witch!”

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I’ll kick your ass!”

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says…
“For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!”