Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she’s lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you’re yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said “Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!”.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cosine (Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| |grape| 1

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero – a mountain climber is a scaler.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What’s grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn’t laying on his back.

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won’t pay the ransom. (Noddy is children’s storybook character)

Q: Why don’t you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They’re all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big ‘E’ on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won’t they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: ‘Cos sheep don’t have strings.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephant’s sex organ?
A: His foot… If he steps on you you’re FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatologist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: “Can I be on top this time?”

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It’s bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t be stupid, elephants can’t change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don’t sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can’t hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn’t fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What’s grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What’s grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell’s Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.

Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.

Don’t call an elephant, he may come!

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. “Damn”, says the ant, “one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!”

Tourist guide at zoo: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don’t stand near the elephant’s backside…. Madam, PLEASE don’t stand near the elephant’s backside … MADAM … MADAM …, too late; George, dig her out.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. It’s done on a very high level. There’s a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results.

It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isn’t it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?