How do you catch a polar bear?

You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the
polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. “Hmmm” says the bear to the squirrel, “Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?”

“Yes it does” replies the squirrel.

“Great!” says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, “That’s it for you. No honey for a week.”

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, “Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.”

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy’s mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, “Should I tell her or should you?”

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.”, says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.”, says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.”, taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams… “Will you fuck off, I’m trying to take a shit”!

What would happen if we priced our “COWS” using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a “CAR”?

LIST PRICING A COW

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One
day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over
to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

BASIC COW………………………………………….$499.9
Shipping and handling…………………………………35.75
Extra Stomach………………………………………….79.25
Two Tone Exterior……………………………………142.10
Produce Storage Compartment…………………..126.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper………………………..189.60
Four Spigot/High Output Drain System………….149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter…………………………………88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery………………………179.90
Deluxe Dual Horns……………………………………..59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment……………………339.40
4X4 Traction Drive Assembly………………………884.16
Pre-delivery Wash and Comb………………………..69.80
______________________________________________

FARMER’S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: …….$2,843.3
Additional Dealer Adjustments: ……………………….300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options)………$3,143.36