Dog Rules…

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

OK, let’s consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it’s his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says, “We don’t call ‘em roosters, we call ‘em cocks.”
“Okay” the man says. “I’ll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.”

“We pronounce it rubbit says the clerk.”
“Okay, I’ll take those two things and a mule to carry them home.”

“We don’t call ‘em mules, we call ‘em asses and every time the ass stops walkin’, just scratch behind his ear.”

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He’s walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks, “Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?”

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“YES, YES, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said, “My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can’t get them apart.”

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them. She said “Yes, but it didn’t work.”

He said, “Did you try hitting them with a broom.” She said, “Yes, but that didn’t work either.”

He then said, “Well Ma’am here’s what you do. Hang up. I’ll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.”

She said, “Do you really think that will work?” He said, “Well it just did for me!”