Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two…but I don’t know how they’d get in there!

Q: How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?

A: Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. “Jesus is watching you,” a voice said “Huh?, oh well,” the robber said and continued shinning his torch. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot. “Oh, it’s you,” the robber said. “I’m just trying to warn you,” the parrot said. “Oh, that’s nice,” the robber said, pretending to be scared, “what’s your name?” “Moses.” “Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses?” “The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!”

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”

The rabbit says, “No, of course not!”

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a
shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee — just for an extra jolt to start off each day.”

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey –
throws his glass on the floor and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet — then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It’s all part of my morning routine.”

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says…
“I’ve had enough of you two. I’m going to go home and screw the cat!”