TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that is not feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.

INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He’s a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?

A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in.

“No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

“Do you have anything you want to say?”

“No, just get on with it.”

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner.

“Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now…”