Part 1 – The Resume
Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director’s attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet’s cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to live in.
To grab an employer’s jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter’s orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says “Check ME out! I’m no shrinking violet!” Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don’t forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8×10 glossies from Glamor Shots on top.
Now that you’ve achieved that visceral “oomph”, it’s time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a salable skill. Let’s look at some examples of putting the best “spin” on a job seeker’s skills:
“I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee’s.”
A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a “Grill Coordinator”, or perhaps a “Culinary Technician”.
“I subbed in for my nephew’s paper route one weekend.”
Ah! So you were previously employed in “Communication Services!” Describe yourself as a “Journalism Representative.”
“I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie’s Angels reruns.”
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a “Consumer Broadcasting Specialist.” Let them know how much time you’ve wisely invested in “Popular Drama Studies.”
“I worked in telemarketing.”
Die you scumbag.
“I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine.”
I see! An “Alternative Hygiene Researcher” who throws himself into his work!
Always remember to use active, “can-do” language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:
- Excellence (can’t get enough of this one!)
- Goal-oriented
- Forward-thinking
- Striving
- Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.
Part 2 – The Interview
So now you’ve got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you’ve got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here’s some suggestions for opening lines:
- “The voices told me I’m perfect for this job.”
- “I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.”
- “Maybe you can’t tell, but I’m not wearing any underwear.”
- “Let’s make this fast, I’m late for my medication.”
- “The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.”
- “I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their starship.”
- “I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?”
- “I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your last!”
Now that you’ve made a big impression, make sure you’ll have plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer’s desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting “Wonder twin powers, activate!”
Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake while saying “Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)” And certainly don’t forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.
