I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs….what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?

I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?

I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.

Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.

Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?

You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.

I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think I’m cute?

Why do men masturbate?

Because they want to have sex with someone they love.

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man’s house and told the man’s wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.’

‘Well,”she said,”he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. “And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man’s wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? “She said, “Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much.”

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man’s husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General’s question.”What would you like to do with his body?”

The gay man reesponded, “Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn’t like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!”

This fella goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, I’ve got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?”

The doctor said “put this on and come back next week if it doesn’t work.”

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn’t worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn’t work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn’t worked so the doctor says “Drop your pants.”

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put a different cream on. The man then says “Doctor it’s worked!! What was that?”

The doctor replies “Lipstick remover”

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.

“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.”

So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.”

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, “You now have 3 wishes.”

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.”

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, “What will be your second wish?”

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. “We then made love for hours!”

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”

I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”