An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

“To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.”

“Of course,” she smiled.

“I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while.”

The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.

One day,the woman went to the bench,but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!

“What does SHE have that I don’t?” She screeched.

He looked up at her and smiled.

“Parkinsons,” he replied.

A guy’s driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying “Apples – $
5.00 each.” He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what’s up.

He goes up to the farmer and says, “Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?” The farmer replies, “They are peanut butter and jelly apples.” The farmer hands him one and says, “Here, try one.”

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, “Peanut butter – that’s great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.”

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims “son of a gun – jelly!” The man says, “These apples are great – give me some!”

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign “Apples – $10 each.” Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, “Hey, what’s up with these apples?”

The farmer says, “They’re ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.”

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, “Son of a gun – ham!” The guy then says, “Let me guess – I have to turn it around.”

The farmer says “You got it.” The guy bites the other side and says, “Cheese.” Again the man says, “These apples are great – give me some.”

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says “Apples – $50 each.” The guy really wants to see what’s up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, “What’s the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?”

The farmer tells him that “These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one.”

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, “Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!”

The farmer says, “Turn it around!”

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks. “Go ahead,” said the stage manager. “Eat the shit, eat the shit!”

“I just can’t do it”, said the magician. “There’s a hair in it!”

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says “I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring… it was so wonderful.”

James said “Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.”

Ron was so jealous “Your day was so much better than mine… did you get a blow job?”

“Nope” James replied, “I couldn’t find her head!”

I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don’t know I’m just using blanks.