THE KIDDIE PICK…When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK…When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH…When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT…You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS…When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTO PICK…The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS…Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE…When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL…No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK…Ditto.

PICK AND STICK…You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAY DIRT…The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Harry answers the telephone, and it’s an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.”

Harry says, “My God!… What’s the good news?”

The doctor says, “I’m kidding. She’s dead!”

Well, there was this truck driver that had been driving all day and hadn’t stopped for lunch or anything and he was getting REAL hungry. He sees this diner and pulls in, walks up to the counter and sits down by this old biker who was staring at a steaming bowl of chili.

The waitress comes up and asks the trucker what he’ll have and he looks at that chili and says, “Lady, I am starving to die, here, that chili looks good, I’ll have that.”

The waitress goes off and comes back with the trucker’s steamy bowl of chili that he promptly gulps down. Not satisfied yet, he looks over at the biker who is still staring at his chili. The trucker tells him, “hey, I’m still kind of hungry, if you’re not gonna eat that, may I?” and the biker slides the bowl of chili toward the trucker.

Well, the trucker takes his time with this bowl. He gets about half way down and there’s this big greasy dog turd in the bowl. The trucker proceeds to barf everything back into the bowl and the biker says, “yep, that’s as far as I got, too!”

A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball.

“Here’s your baby, maam” says the doctor.

The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window.

Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, “My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!”

The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, “April Fools!!!
He was already dead!”

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked, “Is anything happening?”

The doctor replied, “Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don’t think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily.”

The vet said, “okay” and the doctor went on the fishing trip.

When he returned, he called the vet. “How did things go while I was gone?” “Pretty good.” “Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?” “Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone’s doing fine.” “Did you have any trouble?” “Well, there was just one little problem.” “What was that?” “I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!”