One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. “I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with”

The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, “This gun is perfect for any deer”

Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.

Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?” asked the bear.

“I’m sorry, I did mean to, I’ll never do it again!” whined Fred.

“Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am” explains the Bear.

Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.

All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, “I’m going to get that fuckin’ bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me”.

Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.

Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there’s the bear.

“I’m sorry, I’ll never do it agian, I promise”, screams Fred.

“I thought I told you not to come back here again”, exclaims the bear, “now pull down your pants.

Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.

Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, “That’s it, I’m going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off”

When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, “I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful.”

The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, “This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this”

Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!

When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.

“You’re not in this for the sport anymore, are you?”

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

“This is Chet,” he said, “and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.” Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer’s face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

“He needs warming up,” he said. “Lend me your cigarette lighter.”
The storekeeper lifted Chet’s left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

“That’s fantastic,” said the customer.

“And listen to this,” said the storekeeper, warming Chet’s other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

“Wrap him up,” said the customer, “I’ll take him!”

When he got home he greeted his wife: “Honey, I can’t wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.”

He unwrapped Chet’s cage and showed the bird to his wife. “Now, watch and listen.”

He raised Chet’s left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet’s right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

“Let me try it,” said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

“Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire!”

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe’en party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. “Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: “Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: “Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!”

What’s the last thing a gay mortician does before he goes home?

Sucks down a cold one!

Q: What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?

A: The taste!